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I turned on Pandora as I was getting dressed. Desperado came on. It was like she was bursting to get through to me after I unceremoniously severed our connection two nights earlier.

 

"It's so beautiful" was one of the last sentences I ever heard out of her mouth. There was no beautiful goodbye like you see in the movies. Everything had seemed sudden and rushed, then dragged out to an agonizing slowness where nothing was happening, but nothing was being accomplished either. And then it was over. Even with my grandfather I had been brought in to say goodbye. He had looked me in the eyes and told me how proud he was of me and how much he loved me. It was heartbreaking, but it was perfect closure. We said goodbye and it was over. Shortly after he was gone.

 

This didn't end that way. One day she wasn't feeling well enough for Thanksgiving and the next she was incoherent and being rushed into hospice. Not even with it enough to say goodbye to the house. Or the cat. Or anything that we built our lives around and cherished. Not even us.

 

There weren't many words. The entirety of our family taking over the hospice center brought in enough words for the whole building. But she stayed silent.

 

She lay sunken in bed, barely a person. A wisp of herself. She'd finally lost that weight. How pleased she'd be if she knew. Her hair was gone again too. She always insisted she looked like Gollum. Now that the sickness had destroyed her from the inside it was making it's way out. Just like the cancer had sucked up all her life force it was now taking her color, her air, her personhood.

 

I had been ordered by a relative to buy her those fancy noise cancelling headphones. You know the ones, they cost about the same as a car payment. I would have spent anything to make her feel an ounce of comfort at that point. The headphones engulfed her small head and took her away to some other dimension. The Eagles had released their final album just in time. Two discs. It was immediately added to her mix of Don Henley, Eagles, Don Henley, more Eagles. "It's so beautiful," she sighed. The first coherent sentence I had heard from her. It anchored her, for just a little longer, to our world.

 

The radio started to get static-y as I entered the tunnel. I switched to the CD player and Glenn Frey's voice filled my car. I was on the edge. Of what I was not sure, but something had changed in me and the seams that held me together had started bursting apart faster than I could stitch them back together. The music started to fill my head and all I could hear was "it's so beautiful."

 

I slammed my palm into the off switch and started convulsing with sobs. "It's so beautiful." I don't care. I hit eject. I fumbled around, pushing a new album in. Anything to fill the blank space. Pop music. Alt rock. Anything else.

 

The next day or so I built a hard shell around myself. It didn't fix the broken stitches, but it kept everything from falling out. Pandora was not used. The radio stayed on z-100, I listened to awful songs about Taylor Swift's ex-boyfriends. Safe music. White noise. Unconsciously I turned on Pandora while getting ready for work. Desperado filled the space around me. It sucked in all the air in the room. Everything else went quiet.

 

She slammed her palm on the button, you will hear me. I am here. I am here. You think I'm gone. But I am here.

 

The Story of the Fuchsia Sole Mates

eBay listing: Fuchsia velvet Marc by Marc Jacobs heels with metallic trim and bow in front. Size 7 1/2.

Seeing these shoes shouldn't make me sad because I already bought the same style in a size that doesn't cut off the circulation in my toes. But the new shoes don't have as special as a story. 

Ten years ago (YIKES! that long ago?!) Mommy showed me these shoes on the Saks website. They cost over $300. Clearly, I could not afford them. In fell so deeply in love that I printed out a picture and hung it in a frame on my dorm room wall. I wanted- no needed- these shoes. We were sole-mates, pardon the cheesy pun. Mommy bought herself a pair, and I was insanely jealous, especially since she never wore her fabulous shoes out. My foot was too big to even try squeezing into them. 

Christmas 2003 came and Mommy somehow knew about a sale at Saks the day after Christmas (back then things went on sale <ins>AFTER</ins> the holidays). At 7am, the day after Christmas, the two of us stood outside Saks amongst a small crowd of equally crazy, thrifty shoe addicts waiting to be let in. 

The doors opened, and as if I was on a game show contestant I ran to the shelf to find my coveted pink heels in a size 7 1/2. Mommy flagged a salesperson she was friendly with. I purchased the shoes at a price over $100, but no more than $120. I don't remember what the two of us did with the rest of our day. Knowing us we shopped some more. 

My best outfit with the shoes was Nanny's birthday party.  Mommy styled me to perfection. I wore an adorable pink and orange brocade Nicole Miller party dress with a little off white cardigan. Mommy layered different pearl necklaces on me. I looked "very Chanel". I was sad she didn't join me at the party, but I took along the best part of her- her flawless style. 

Once I sell, giveaway, whatever the shoes, that is one less item she helped me add to my wardrobe. Yes, I have their <ins>exact</ins> replicas, but they are impostors. She didn't help me pick those out. She didn't put together fun outfits to match them. If I tell myself they are the same it is all just a lie.

As I replace my teenage/college clothes with newer items I have less and less with their own special stories. When all the stories are over what will be left?

Nobody is really dead...

I watch too much TV. A good chunk of that time is taken up by soap operas. When I first started watching soaps with my mom- I mean really watching, not just mocking her show in the background during school days off, or pretending not to listen back in my preschool days- she taught me "nobody is really dead on soap operas." I remember General Hospital was the first soap we started watching together- it began shortly after I got home from middle school. One of the first "soapy" deaths I recall was a character named Cesar Faison. He blew up in some sort of boat explosion, but my mom said, "he's not dead." I couldn't understand, the boat very clearly exploded while he was STANDING RIGHT ON IT! I argued this with her, but she maintained her stance that he would be alive. She was right. A few weeks later his character reappeared. Ten people can see the person's dead body, attend the funeral, and bury the person, but he'll be back. One Life to Live, I'm looking at you with Victor's "death" here, since we all know he'll be back. In the ten plus years I've been watching soap operas I have seen more "deaths" and reappearances (sometimes with new faces as well) than I can count. That is why sometimes the thought crosses my mind, what if real life worked like this? I think occasionally that my mom will walk back into my life, "oops, I've actually been alive the last four years. Those ashes you spread in California? Those were from the vacuum." I've had vivid dreams where this has happened. Sometimes they feel so real I wake up looking for my mom and calling her name. Maybe I'll hear a noise in my bathroom, pull open the shower curtain, and there she'll be using up my expensive cleanser (that's really hers). What is it Mark Twain said, "the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated"? I never saw her pass, and how does somebody go from being completely coherent to gone in just a matter of two or three weeks? Days really. What exactly does cancer do to just shut off a person's body? I'm calling bullshit. She's been hiding out in France all this time, studying how to become a Limoges box maker. Okay, maybe not, but one can dream, right? I blame my soaps, and my mom for getting me hooked on said soaps. But if you are out there somewhere... please come back in time for the new Dallas reboot to start next summer. I miss you.

The Dating Game

After college it gets harder and harder to meet people (esp guys) your own age. Sports leagues can be fun, but after your sport is over people sometimes wander off and become busy again. Working in a pediatric office, the only guys I come across are teenage patients and people's fathers. Neither of those are viable options. Ick. There was a really cute drug rep once, but he was redistricted before I got a chance to really get to know him. I keep telling them to hire a cute, single, male doc, but apparently it's illegal to hire people specifically with those requirements. HMPH, LAWS. I always hear about people going to singles events in Hoboken and NYC, so when I saw a sign for one in Tart and Tufo I decided to sign right up!

Tonight's event was supposed to be "The Dating Game". When I called to RSVP they asked for my age, and then asked if I would like to be a contestant. Ready for an adventure, I said sure! Super excited, I rushed home, blew out my hair (which takes forever and a ton of patience), and did some really killer makeup. I was looking pretty nice after all that effort!

I got to Pazzo Pazzo and was greeted by the event coordinators, two women in their late fifties (at least). One of them looked just like Patricia Clarkson, which I found interesting. That was probably the only interesting part of the night... I arrived right on time, and thought maybe the rest of the young people were running late. There were two other men there, both in their late fifties to early sixties and another woman, also older. Another guy walked in, closer to my age at maybe late thirties, early forties. Still, no young people. I talked to one of the older guys, still looking around for the other young'ns to walk in. They set up the "stage" for the gameshow. There weren't even enough people there to play the game show. As I snacked on some appetizers, Patricia Clarkson asked if we minded waiting another twenty minutes for more people to arrive. I really hoped she meant the whole crowd of twenty-somethings.

I was talking to the "younger" guy, who was majorly into the fact that he's a landlord, desperately waiting for the real party to get started. Since I despise landlords right now, it wasn't really the most exciting topic for me. We spoke about a few of the restaurants in Morristown, but somehow it went back to real estate, and the latest place he bought. I couldn't figure out his age, until he told me a story about a bartender he was friendly with, who figured out he had been serving this guy for nearly thirty years. Even if this guy started getting into bars and drinking at FIFTEEN he was still way too old for me. To me, dating an older guy means dating somebody in their early thirties. HELLO I'M NOT THAT OLD! Even worse, people tell me I look like I'm a teenager, so weren't these coordinators a little confused when I showed up? Meanwhile, two women walked in who were most likely in their sixties.

"Question one: what do you do in your spare time?"
Bachelor #1- "I keep up my properties around the area. Did I mention I'm a landlord for several properties?"

The event started, and a guy dressed in seventies garb did "The Dating Game" trivia, which I had no idea of, since I wasn't alive in the seventies. The kind of trivia that you had to be there to know, rather than see a few clips here and there, and maybe an episode once or twice on GSN during a sick day before onDemand was created. I was starting to panic, since I didn't want to be courted by guys older than my dad and the landlord. As it is, the host tried to get me to give my number out. He chatted up the ladies who arrived late. What are they doing this weekend? Visiting their grandchildren.

"Question two: where do you like to go on vacation?"
Bachelor #2- "I spend my winters in Boca."

Was I going to have to go out on a date with one of these guys? I texted Kathy "Everybody is old. Get me out of here." Kathy texted me and told me to get out of there ASAP, feel no guilt. I couldn't figure out a polite way to do so. At my request, she called me up on the phone. "Are you okay?! OMG, calm down, calm down, I'm coming now!" I said into the phone. I said to the coordinator "I HAVE TO pick up my friend, she's having an emergency, she needs me." "Will you be coming back?" she asked. "I'll try my best! I don't know..." and I ran out. RAN. I felt guilty leaving the landlord in the dust, and the game without a bachelorette, but I didn't owe anybody there anything. I think Patricia Clarkson and partner owe ME $15. So here goes- NEVER EVER USE MORRIS COUNTY SINGLES.

"Question three- do you like to ski?"
Bachelor #3- "I used to go with my grandkids, but since my hip replacement I haven't been able to."

I was there for about an hour and a half, but it was so awful I'd swear it was at least three hours. I was just so disappointed. I had high hopes for the night, and so did every single person I mentioned the event to. Not one person said, hey do you think it'll only be a bunch of old people? I don't think I was jumping to a crazy conclusion, was I? If you were the coordinator, would you warn a 26 year old girl that not a single person her age had RSVP'd? Where does that fall on the business ethics scale?

Luckily, dodgeball starts up again in October. I'll be exposed to more people my own age again, and maybe even some eligible bachelors. I won't get to be a contestant on the dating show, but at least I'll be mingling with people who may be in the same peer circles as my grandmothers.

*the questions may have been exaggerated ideas in my head, since I ran away before they started the game

The world is mine today!!

As regular blog readers may recall, I lost my mom to ovarian cancer, and it was later found that my grandmother and both her sisters have the cancer gene. Having this gene means you will most likely get cancer. For a long time I was being pressured into having genetic testing done. I was terrified to do the testing, and put it off as long as possible. My doctor recommended getting the testing done at 25, so when my birthday rolled around this April I was full of dread.

About two weeks ago, my Aunt Ricki forced me to make the appointment. It began poorly. I had little to eat and a lot of caffeine, my veins were small and hiding. The doctor was forced to take the blood from my hand- OUCH! My delicate little hand was completely bruised for several days. I didn't put together my lack of sleep and uneasy feeling until today.

At 4:45, only fifteen minutes before I got out of work, an unknown number popped up on my phone. I almost didn't answer in case it was a solicitor, but my gut told me to pick up the phone. It was Dr. Hirsch, telling me he only calls on Fridays with good news. I do not have the gene. I will not have to go every six months for intense check ups. I am not nearly guaranteed to have cancer. I had no idea how worried I was about the call until the relief flooded over me. I can't recall ever crying from happiness and relief once in my life, but today I couldn't stop the tears from flooding.

Tonight I am celebrating my life and health with a bottle of champagne, and good times out on the town. I only wish it wasn't so last minute so I could invite anybody and everybody! I raise my glass (glad i finally went out and bought some this week!) to my mother and grandfather, who are without a doubt watching over me.

Life is good, friends, life is good.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Attached to a glass of champagne

Doppelgangers (thanks a lot facebook)

A few celebrities myheritage thinks I look like. I think this is completely inaccurate, but it's kind of interesting that Kristin Kreuk came up most of the times I ran this (note: I did this a few more times than shown, which is why she's not appearing on 2/3 charts pictured). My guess is that they go by the shape of your smile or the squint of your eyes via some Photoshop like program, which is why these matches don't quite work most of the time. I get Sofia Coppola from a lot of people, and my Uncle Barry is convince I look like Claire Danes (which I don't see, but a few people have agreed with). Interestingly enough, Sofia Coppola did appear on ONE of the charts that popped up. I'm still going to judge this a big fat INACCURATE.

It's a brief one

I need to head to sleep, I totally forgot that I have an 8am work meeting tomorrow. Meaning I have to be awake in five hours! Oy, and oops! I need to grab my phone from downstairs, brush my teeth, and get the sleeping kitty cat out of the spot I sleep in. Gracie's favorite places always tend to be exactly where I need to sit, sleep, etc.

At least after my work meeting (which I get paid for and don't have to wear a uniform!) I have a facial. That will be nice. I was really feeling a lack of self-expression after painting my nails a kind of blah light pink for work so yesterday I added a dash of pink. Then today I did every other nail purple. It's not quite as fun as Mary's rainbow nails she's got going on right now, but it did make me feel a little more myself.

I passed by Ryne's room. This seems to happen once a week, I find his lights and tv on and he is passed out in his clothes from the day on top of his covers. I got tired of him ignoring my telling him to get up and left him, so we'll see how he wakes up tomorrow. He's flying to Miami (by himself!) tomorrow to meet up with my dad and take at tour of U.Miami. He then has a few days (this is an extension, he was supposed to send his answer within two or three days of his acceptance last week!) to decide if he wants to go. Big life stuff. Weird. I still think of him as a little kid, I can't imagine him going off to college.

I've gotten into watching Frasier in re-runs lately, and something came up tonight that's made me curious for years. Every now and then at the end credits of an episode there will be a sequence of head shots of various actors with the heading "thanks for calling". There were too many of them to be guest stars (esp. the really high profile actors), could they be people who visited the set? Who did something nice for the producers? Since there seems to be an answer for (just about) everything on google, it took me about ten seconds to figure out a years long question. From wiki:

The radio station callers' lines were spoken by anonymous voice-over actors while filming the show in front of a live audience. This gave the cast something to which they could react. During post-production, the lines were replaced by celebrities, who literally phoned in their parts without having to come into the studio. The end credits of season finales would show headshots of all the celebrities who had "called in" that season.

I thought that was pretty cool. Now, every time I watch Frasier I'm going to wonder whose voice I'm hearing on the phone. Alright, what to do tomorrow...

• bring gym clothes to spa so I can get in a workout after meeting and before facial- can you get a facial after working out? Can you work out after a facial? I should find this out in the AM
• take some Special K breakfast bars with me because it'll be too early to eat when I leave, and I'll start to get hungry around 8:30ish
• pick up past two weeks worth of paychecks (we get paid weekly now) and try to remember my checkbook so I can once again attempt to sign up for direct deposit (I guess the first try didn't take)
• eat remaining California rolls in fridge for lunch
• babysit- try not to fall asleep on couch during kids "relax time"
• come home to a most likely empty home (with Ryne and my dad gone, Patti will probably go out) and enjoy the quiet
  

Frak My Life

It seems everybody is all about FML. I think saying Frak takes it one step further. Also, I like saying the word frak. Frak frak frak. I even sold some zazzle tee-shirts with frak. It's made me money. Another reason to like the word. So why is my life frakked? Well if you've been a regular follower of this blog you'd know that it's been like this since the start.

What in ML is F'd? Well for starters I'm writing this from work. On a Saturday. That's right, I'm back to working weekends. Dammit. To make matters worse, as I finish this paragraph it's Sunday. That's right, I didn't even manage to complete my thought bubble I was so busy. It's not as bad as it could be. I worked morning to afternoon shifts today and yesterday, so it's still light out when I'm done with work. I don't lose the ENTIRE weekend. Unfortunately I no longer have an entire DAY off to myself. The people I babysit now want me working Thursdays for them, so that means I'm working a grand total of seven days a week. I'm extremely desperate to save up enough money to move out, but the idea of not having a day off for another month or two is extremely daunting to me. I hope I don't go crazy. I hope I'm not mean to the kids. I hope I don't go off on a nasty customer at the spa... on second thought, I'm not too worried about that last one.

WORD OF THE DAY - SPRAMA - spa drama
(from the bubble above my head to your eyes and ears)

I have this incredible urge to shop, but I'm holding myself back for two reasons. The first one, I already mentioned, I want to move out! This takes soooo much money and isn't conducive to spending oodles of dollars on fun clothes. The second is that I've been losing weight, and I really won't want to spend any of my hard earned money on clothes that may not even fit me correctly a month or two from now. I may buy myself some new makeup after work though. I work RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE MALL, c'mon, I can't help it! And makeup is a fairly inexpensive way to perk myself up! At least I'm not working IN the mall anymore, that was just dangerous. One bad day and Neiman's was calling my paycheck and I like a siren's song.

One way I've been saving money is reallocating my internet time. I'm no longer online shopping nearly as much as I used to (via LJ and ebay) because I'm addicted to a facebook game. It's called Sorority Life, and it's actually pretty lame, but the people I talk to on it are fun. Unfortunately, the game tends to freeze my computer, so I can't really access the social function of the game. Basically, you make money, buy lots of clothes and accessories, earn social points, and attack people. It's not as good for my brain as sudoku and all the word games I used to be addicted to, but at least it takes up enough time that I'm not bidding on endless Marc Jacobs items on ebay.

My mind has turned into a lovely pile of goo, and I can't any wonderful thoughts out at the moment. I'll leave with one thought that's been troubling me...
I see commercials for movies months in advance and get excited to see them. They finally come out and just a few weeks later when I finally have the time to see them they are already out of the theaters. Can we just have a giant, GOB sized COME ON!

My 25 Things (from facebook)

Rules:
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people [in the right hand corner of the app] then click publish.)


1. One of the things I'm proudest about myself is that I can hop in the car and drive anywhere without fear or hesitation if there's a person I desperately want to see (or an outlet needing to be shopped).

2. Growing up and until about high school I used to sleep walk. At about 10 I was found wearing nothing but my underwear and an undershirt coming inside the house at about 1:30am. I told my dad I had gone to feed the neighbor's rabbit, Bun Bun. To this day I still don't know if I actually walked all the way down the street and into their sun room (while they were HOME) to feed Bun Bun...

3. ... when I was in high school I would wake up in the middle of the night and get in the shower. My mom always thought there was a robber at first. Nope, just me. When I realized what I was doing and what time it was I would cry because I knew I only had so many hours left to get in quality sleep before school.

4. Amanda would call me before school every morning to make sure I was awake because she was coming to pick me up in twenty minutes.

5. When I was younger I could recite every NHL team and where they were from. It was a car game we played.

6. When I'm with my Alpha Chi friends I sometimes wish cameras would follow us around. We're way more fun and interesting than anything on MTV or other reality shows.

7. The thing that sets me apart from most of my friends/people my age is that I cannot watch MTV. I stopped watching around college, and I honestly don't miss it. I cannot get into the Hills or Laguna. Don't think I'm totally crazy- I am in love with Gossip Girl and still enjoy a good OC repeat on SoapNet.

8. I have a habit of naming stuffed animals, dolls, and keepsakes their most basic names. Baby. Doggy. Mooskie. Heart Covers.

9. I've had my Heart Covers since the day I was born and I still sleep with them. I'm hoping by the time I'm married I'll have found a way to separate myself.

10. When I was in fifth grade my friends and I did the school talent show, lip syncing to "Respect". We were wearing vintage-y clothes probably from somebody's attic and I was put in a pink satiny slip dress with bust seams. My friends all made fun of me because I couldn't fill it out. How ironic.

11. I used to HATE going shopping. My mom would drag me to the mall with her and I would get a new Babysitter's Club book (I had over 100 by the time I stopped reading that series) and read while we walked from store to store, I was very adept at walking and reading. I would always be done with the book by the time we got home.

12. I can get ridiculously fixated on some of the randomest things and lose HOURS. Let's say I'm driving down the Pulaski Skyway and wonder who this is named after. I will then look up General Pulaski (a WWII Polish/American General) and then start looking up other famous WWII Generals, and then random WWII facts, including how women couldn't buy stockings, then I will start looking up stockings, and eventually end up shopping Spanx's newest styles. I cannot explain this. It could be why I know so much random shit about a lot of things.

13. I have a weird thing against odd numbers. If they're multiples of five I don't care as much. Overall, though, I just prefer even numbers.

14. I've watched "Dirty Dancing" over 100 times. Sometimes I'll find it on TV and watch just the final five minutes, because the ending always captivated me. One day I will learn that dance. My first crush (at the age of 1) was on Patrick Swayze's stunt double. He was dating my aunt and my mom said I'd follow him around with my eyes glazed over and just stare up at him. My mom told me that was the first time she knew I'd be boy crazy.

15. I always sleep on the side of the bed that's closest to the door. I think it started as a fear of somebody coming into my room (maybe a monster?) and me being able to get out quickly and easily, then it just became second nature. I used to think when the lights went out if my feet touched the ground a monster under my bed would reach out and grab me. Did I mention I had a VERY strong imagination?

16. I've been incredibly blessed to travel as much and as far as I have. I've been to London twice, France once, a little village in Italy (Ventimiglia) for lunch, Monte Carlo, Canada, Mexico, more than half of the US (including Hawaii), and a bit of the Caribbean. Only a small handful of these trips were actually with my family.

17. ALL MY LIFE I've seen my clothing on TV. This has led me to believe that my dream job would probably be as a television or movie stylist and I'd be damn good at it.

18.18 and 6 are my favorite numbers.

19. Sometimes I just don't understand why Gracie can't speak English, I get frustrated. Although she has mastered "NO" and a few other words, and of course that tone that says "YOU IDIOT!" when I just cannot figure out what she wants. Maybe it's better that she can't speak...

20. When I was a toddler we left my cabbage patch doll Baby at my grandmother's out on Long Island. We were already about 45 min away when I realized this and my mom made my dad turn the car around to get Baby.

21. When I was staying in La Napoule I lived in a chateau right on the beach. Every night I would fall asleep with the window open to the sound of the waves. It was the most calming sleep I've ever had. Sometimes when I'm stressed and can't sleep I try to imagine I'm back there and it helps me fall asleep.

22. As mentioned above, I slept with the window open while in La Napoule. One night I woke up with a moth sitting on my nose. That same moth seemed to stalk me around the room on a regular basis. My family thinks it was my Pop Pop trying to enjoy the trip with me. I think they were right.

23. My mom wanted to name me Fiona, but all my extended family hated that name and pressured her to pick something else. When Jordana and I were picking out our bar aliases I decided on Fiona, who works at Credit Dauphine (10 points for anybody who finds the reference).

24. If I was given money just to start my own business I would create MAG Magazine. It would feature everything I love and be a huge hit.

25. I still reach for the phone almost every day to call my mom and tell her about whatever random thought has crossed my mind.

MbMJ shirt for sale

Okay so the shirt is a lot smaller than it looks, I'd say it's a smaller size 4. I got in my freshman year of college ('03-'04) and only wore it a handful of times, mostly to chapter. I have a picture of a much younger, smaller me wearing it somewhere, I'll have to dig it out. I'm looking for $40 shipped.

I can't find the actual camera right now (hence my using the computer camera), but when I do I can post another pic so you can get a better idea of the colors. It really is adorable.

All about laundry

As I took off my Primp sheep shirt and the red tank top I had JUST washed two days earlier it occurred to me that I had JUST washed this TWO DAYS EARLIER. I know that's the cycle of you wash, you wear, but for somebody with as many clothes as me it seems I'm always washing the same few things over and over again. I guess we all go through phases of our favorite items. When it's really chilly outside I like to wear thermal shirts, and I only have so many of those. And I layer tank tops under items all the time. But here's the thing- the shirt was white and the tank was red- two washes that to me are special. I've gotten a little past the washes of just one color at a time, I moved into the lights and darks theory somewhere around the time I had to pay for laundry and Goddamit I'm gonna squeeze as much in this washer as my 25 cents can buy... I digress, I'm back at home, which means free laundry, but I'm less picky about what goes with what. Of course I have so much pink and blue it ends up being primarily pink washes or blue washes with their like shaded friends popping in (such as Mr. Yellow with the pinks or Miss Green with the blues), anyways, regardless of what wash I'm doing, it's very rarely white or red. I'm still in the mindset of only doing FULL loads of laundry, so I have to wait to wear a ton of white stuff or a ton of red stuff before seeing those items again. While I'm sure you're wondering why I'm talking about the ins and outs of laundrytime there is a point here. When I took off those shirts I felt a sense of disappointment. I had FINALLY gotten them back from the washpile when POOF! they're out of rotation again. I've got a ton of jeans to wash, but no white shirts.

When I do my laundry it feels like an event. The dryer at my dad's seems to have a personal vendetta against me and likes to shrink things even on the tumble setting. I've started laying out a lot of my more sensitive items and jeans to air dry since moving here. As I mentioned I only wash things in large loads, so when I do my jeans I do a ton of jeans. Afterwards I run out of places to drape them. They hang over the shower, over the staircase, over doors, it's like an explosion of denim around the house.

Whenever I take a pile of laundry out of the dryer it's like a bell goes off somewhere in the house for Sammy, the cat that sheds the MOST. She could be outside, but when that pile of clothes arrives she's there instantly, ready to climb all over my clothes and get her fur on them.

When I first got to college I thought laundry was going to be this sexy event. Sexy you say? Where would that kind of idea pop up? Remember Undressed? There were definitely episodes where characters would go to do their laundry and end up meeting someone hot and totally hooking up in the laundry room. Well in my dorm at UMass the laundry room was in a leaky room in the basement. And it shared space with the garbage bins. It smelled disgusting. This was not a romantic room. Nor were the people I came across while doing laundry smokin' hot. Tsk Tsk Tsk MTV for giving me a false impression of what real life is. Look at this description of Undressed on this website I found:

...or three friends who inadvertently fool around during a late-night cram session.

Freaking hillarious. Cause you know all those years when I'd have late-night cram sessions my friends and I suddenly decided to rip off our clothes and experiment with one another. Preferably in groups. Oh my.

How did I just write a whole post about laundry without even delving into all my laundry stories? Scary stuff man.

Joined the following LJ communties:

• Novice Knitters
• Bake Bake Bake
• Don't Drop the Book (book club, duh)

Have already had overwhelming responses in NK about how to knit this:

Yay :)

Procrastination Station

10:54 PM- I have no need nor want to get into twitter, so I will randomly post updates here instead (remember these?)

On meebo since somebody seems to have removed aim from my father's old laptop (my Thinking Box is still not working).

Current away message: I'm too old to still have papers due and STILL be procrastinating. On the other hand, looking forward to my first all nighter in forever (brings me back to my UMass days).

Wishing I was at the UMass library hopped up on either Dunks or Tab energy drinks and library lobby donuts in one of those damn uncomfortable chairs, sharing the same stressed/determined/tired/hardworking vibes as all the people around me. Watching as people filter in and out and some (myself included at times) falling asleep, taking frantic cat naps that make a world of difference.

11:22 PM- my word of the day remora is not just a clingy fish, but a hindrance or drag. My work is a remora.

11:32 PM- Once I've gotten this paper nonsense out of the way I'm going to contact two of my former writing teachers and get their advice about how to get back into writing again. I hope it proves helpful.

11:38 PM- contemplating life decisions. Must use hyper-focus-ness for school right now.

11:48 PM- oddly enough, the 2% milk string cheese is not as good as the skim. I usually hate anything with skim milk. Sucks that I bought a bag of 24 today.

12:06 AM- I MUST HAVE THIS

This looks like my kind of book

1:10 AM- just purchased it :) after finding a $25 gift card (that actually had the FULL amount despite being old, wtg with good policies B&N!) and Nina Garcia's Guide to Style because, why not? It's free! (well $6.48 after all is said and done...)

1:17 AM- stepping away from computer to do non-electronic work. Computer distracting (as you can see!)

T-minus 36 hours til I need to finish this shtuff

Holiday Wish List post #1

I was going to make a whole big post about my dream luxury wish list. Unfortunately, I'm working off of a very slow computer, and it would take me about five hours to complete the whole post. Instead I've decided to do a series of posts, with an actual affordable item and a luxury splurge item that's on my dream (i.e. money doesn't matter) list.

Today's picks:

Realistic:


Spanx Tight End Tights in Cobalt - $26 (plus $4.95 shipping)

Not only do these fit into the category of colored tights- something I've always loved and is hugely in style right now- but they're spanx, the amazing suck-your-gut-in and shape the bum area tights. I may have to buy these myself!

Dream:

Chanel Classic 2.55 bag - $$$

This is a classic bag that every girl must have. I've wanted one for as long as I can remember. The style of this bag actually led me to purchase some of my favorite MbMJ quilted shoes (both flats and pumps) which people always compliment as looking "very Chanel". I'm hoping to find one at a consignment shop sometime in the near future until I can afford to splurge on the real thing. I feel like this bag would class up any outfit and work with anything from jeans (and a cute jacket of course) to a fancy dress.

first mobile post

Greetings from my bed, via blackberry. I was just watching Arianna Huffington on the Daily Show discussing blogging. She said to blog like you're writing your friend an email. I really liked everything she said about blogging, and tomorrow I may have to post a list of all her pointers and thoughts. Since I'll be working on a paper then I can promise I'll find time to procrastinate over here.

Also on my to post list- a dream holiday list, kinda like an Oprah's favorite things list that I cannot afford. I'd work on it now, but I haven't figured out how to post pictures via phone yet. I'll work on that.

Off to bed. School tomorrow and I want to get up early and have a nice brekky. Nights all.

More comforting than a box of Kraft Mac and Cheese

This weekend should be dubbed (in booming voice) MEGA MOVIE WEEKEND. It wasn't on purpose. Yesterday was cold and miserable and nobody was around. Actually, no it started Friday. Wow, I spent THREE days devoted to MEGA MOVIE WEEKEND. That's intense. Friday I was cleaning my room for a good chunk of the day, so I watched some of "Waitress", one of my newer favorite movies. It also sparked my huge crush on Nathan Fillion. And pies. It actually led me to bake cookies Friday afternoon. Not exactly a pie, but still sweet and oven baked. After that I saw a good chunk of "Juno", but I missed the adorable ending to get lunch. That evening I met up with Mary to see "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" which was cuter than I thought, and overall an enjoyable experience.

Anyways, after watching the first two films on TV, I got to thinking about how comforting it is to watch movies you love, especially when you're feeling down. It's kind of like seeing an old friend and no time has passed. I know that seems kinda cheesy, but if I was the only one who felt this way then digital cable would not be as popular as it is.

I was in a real down mood yesterday. Super lonely, but the kind of lonely that being around the wrong people only makes you feel lonelier. Why didn't I pick up a phone and call somebody? Because I kept staring at it waiting for them to call me. Who? Anybody. But it didn't work. So I watched movies with Gracie curled up next to me, on my tummy, on my legs, next to me again, but the whole time always with me. I remembered how much I loved "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" and momentarily wanted to get married. I remembered why people made such a huge deal out of Sean Penn's Jeff Spicoli in "Fast Times and Ridgemont High"- his ordering a pizza into his classroom goes down in movie history. Unfortunately I cannot watch Phoebe Cate's bathing suit scene without thinking of "Family Guy", I know, weird. Even weirder, I cannot find a reference to that clip on google or youtube (the FG clip that is). Oh well.

Today I saw the tail end of "Clueless" and I realized that Paul Rudd truly gets cuter with every year that passes. He was gorge in "Clueless" but I love him even more now. I'm thinking he may be my biggest celebrity crush right now and the new ideal for the guy I would like to meet. I need a casting call or something "Searching for guys that look like Paul Rudd, get hotter with age, and have his same sense of humor" k, thanks.

Lastly, "Dirty Dancing" came on. That may have cheered me up more today than when I got my nails done in a fun cranberry sparkly color for Thanksgiving festivities. Patti asked me how many times I've watched it, the answer is too many to count, probably more than 100, although not always all the way through. As it is, I missed a good half hour eating dinner. But I didn't miss my favorite part, which I could watch over and over again. The finale. One day I will learn that dance. Perhaps with my Paul Rudd-alike boyfriend.

I'm about as comforted now as if I ate that whole box of Mac and Cheese (Kraft only, I need my blue box), but without all the calories, bloating, and food coma issues that accompany. I can safely say my MEGA MOVIE WEEKEND (you better still be using the booming voice) lifted my spirits a bit even though I'm still counting down til my next trip to MA.

want vs. need

I need money. I need romance. I need black leather boots. I need a new laptop.
I want more pajama pants. I want somebody to clean my room for me. I want to lose a few pounds.
I need to stop procrastinating. I need to sleep on a normal schedule. I need a friend in Randolph.
I want a Marc by Marc Jacobs bag in grape juice. I want the matching wallet. I want to get a manicure.
I need to smile more. I need to laugh more. I need my mom back. I want my mom back. I can't believe it's almost been a year. I want a new life.

There Was To Be Blood

I've been feeling incredibly fatigued for about two weeks now. Daily naps, fuzzy head, struggle to wake up day in day out... whatever, I'm just exhausted. So today I had to be tested. Apparently it's a bad idea to have soda for lunch an hour before getting your blood drawn. My blood was thick so it took a while for them to take all of it. They got about three or four vials. I came home and felt sooo weak. I basically sunk into my bed for about an hour and a half. At least I got to speak LHog on the phone for a nice long time. It was great hearing from her. She once again not so subtly hinted that I move to Boston. Tempting, but most most very likely not happening. As much as I miss my friends on a daily basis I need to be near my family. Oh well.

Anyways, my eye liner test must be postponed due to the heavy sleepy eyes I keep rubbing. Oops! Tomorrow I have school, so I will play with the makeup then. More details to come soon...

Razzle Dazzle Zazzle

I'll post more on the eye-liner either tomorrow or whenever I can stop rubbing my eyes (time to break out the clarinex!)...

While you're waiting check out my Zazzle gallery and tell me if there's any cute stuff you'd like me to create.