Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Or Maybe She Just Cries

More people feel depressed and alone during the holidays. The past few years I haven't particularly been bursting with the holiday spirit, but this year things have gotten bad. In my mind, Santa is dead. Tomorrow will be our first Christmas with my dad in over seven years. I'm sure he doesn't remember any of the traditions Ryne and I have become accustomed to, and I'm depressed as hell. I've never felt so lonely. It doesn't seem like that long ago since last Christmas when I stayed up really late talking to my mom and hanging out. I went to bed and barely woke up in time to see all the gifts Santa had left under the tree. It's just not the same and never will be.

I did get to act my age (or at least a couple years younger) tonight with some kids of friends of the family. I felt somewhat left out, but also finally like I was on the right path. Doing the wrong thing felt more right than the right thing has lately. Going to France and finding myself cannot come soon enough!! I need to get through school so I can start my quest (to find myself) as soon as possible! I'm going to start listening to French books on tape when I sleep so I absorb the language. Dr. B. would be so proud- and probably have something entirely inappropriate to add :) I kinda miss taking her French 5 class... sometimes.

I know this sounds bitter, but seeing people happy makes me sick. Not that I want their happiness to go away, I just don't feel like witnessing it. I'm bitter, and frustrated, and would probably do best to stay locked up for a bit. Or shipped off to a beach somewhere I can veg.

All I want for Christmas/belated Hanukkah-maybe Chrismukkah- isssss- I have no effing clue. But it's probably sold out.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I am not alone

I am TOO excited for the Sex and the City Movie!!!

I'm about to have a SatC style shopping spree (at some of Carrie's favorite haunts, no less) thanks to the abundance of unworn, still tagged clothing my mom left me. It would be more fun if she was actually there FOR the shopping spree. But then I guess if she was then there wouldn't be a chance for such a spree. Talk about Catch-22's. I think. I'm pretty sure that's the right concept. My brain's been a bit fried as of late. Either way, I'd much prefer to have my mom over some fantastic clothing. I miss her more at night and during quiet moments of contemplation. As an introvert you can imagine this is highly frequent and highly painful.

When people ask me how I'm doing, I honestly don't know how to answer. Sometimes I'm more miserable than I know what to do with, and other times I'm distracted enough to temporarily forget. Work is a great time for me. TV is a great time for me (F-YOU WRITERS STRIKE!!! Stupid producers need to fold already!) and movies are great too. Discussion of TV and movies is painful. I want to get on with life, but I don't know where to begin. If I go out and get drunk will I have an embarrassing meltdown? Am I too emotionally fragile to date?

At the same time I feel an inner strength- or maybe stubbornness that gets me through the day. Keeps me wanting to shop, trying to eat, forcing myself to sleep. Other times I think it's just denial. I will get through this.

Please listen to The Eagles' song "You Are Not Alone" by Glenn Frey. I'm pretty sure it was written just for me. I try to listen to it everyday. I have amazing friends, and I just hope they know that they're going to have to keep pushing their way into my life, because I really don't have the energy to keep up with them. Sorry. I'm trying.

Also, try to ignore the Glenn Frey photo montage, I don't know how to post music other than YouTube videos, so I recommend just listening to the song while browsing instead. But please listen.