Nobody is really dead...

I watch too much TV. A good chunk of that time is taken up by soap operas. When I first started watching soaps with my mom- I mean really watching, not just mocking her show in the background during school days off, or pretending not to listen back in my preschool days- she taught me "nobody is really dead on soap operas." I remember General Hospital was the first soap we started watching together- it began shortly after I got home from middle school. One of the first "soapy" deaths I recall was a character named Cesar Faison. He blew up in some sort of boat explosion, but my mom said, "he's not dead." I couldn't understand, the boat very clearly exploded while he was STANDING RIGHT ON IT! I argued this with her, but she maintained her stance that he would be alive. She was right. A few weeks later his character reappeared. Ten people can see the person's dead body, attend the funeral, and bury the person, but he'll be back. One Life to Live, I'm looking at you with Victor's "death" here, since we all know he'll be back. In the ten plus years I've been watching soap operas I have seen more "deaths" and reappearances (sometimes with new faces as well) than I can count. That is why sometimes the thought crosses my mind, what if real life worked like this? I think occasionally that my mom will walk back into my life, "oops, I've actually been alive the last four years. Those ashes you spread in California? Those were from the vacuum." I've had vivid dreams where this has happened. Sometimes they feel so real I wake up looking for my mom and calling her name. Maybe I'll hear a noise in my bathroom, pull open the shower curtain, and there she'll be using up my expensive cleanser (that's really hers). What is it Mark Twain said, "the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated"? I never saw her pass, and how does somebody go from being completely coherent to gone in just a matter of two or three weeks? Days really. What exactly does cancer do to just shut off a person's body? I'm calling bullshit. She's been hiding out in France all this time, studying how to become a Limoges box maker. Okay, maybe not, but one can dream, right? I blame my soaps, and my mom for getting me hooked on said soaps. But if you are out there somewhere... please come back in time for the new Dallas reboot to start next summer. I miss you.

More comforting than a box of Kraft Mac and Cheese

This weekend should be dubbed (in booming voice) MEGA MOVIE WEEKEND. It wasn't on purpose. Yesterday was cold and miserable and nobody was around. Actually, no it started Friday. Wow, I spent THREE days devoted to MEGA MOVIE WEEKEND. That's intense. Friday I was cleaning my room for a good chunk of the day, so I watched some of "Waitress", one of my newer favorite movies. It also sparked my huge crush on Nathan Fillion. And pies. It actually led me to bake cookies Friday afternoon. Not exactly a pie, but still sweet and oven baked. After that I saw a good chunk of "Juno", but I missed the adorable ending to get lunch. That evening I met up with Mary to see "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" which was cuter than I thought, and overall an enjoyable experience.

Anyways, after watching the first two films on TV, I got to thinking about how comforting it is to watch movies you love, especially when you're feeling down. It's kind of like seeing an old friend and no time has passed. I know that seems kinda cheesy, but if I was the only one who felt this way then digital cable would not be as popular as it is.

I was in a real down mood yesterday. Super lonely, but the kind of lonely that being around the wrong people only makes you feel lonelier. Why didn't I pick up a phone and call somebody? Because I kept staring at it waiting for them to call me. Who? Anybody. But it didn't work. So I watched movies with Gracie curled up next to me, on my tummy, on my legs, next to me again, but the whole time always with me. I remembered how much I loved "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" and momentarily wanted to get married. I remembered why people made such a huge deal out of Sean Penn's Jeff Spicoli in "Fast Times and Ridgemont High"- his ordering a pizza into his classroom goes down in movie history. Unfortunately I cannot watch Phoebe Cate's bathing suit scene without thinking of "Family Guy", I know, weird. Even weirder, I cannot find a reference to that clip on google or youtube (the FG clip that is). Oh well.

Today I saw the tail end of "Clueless" and I realized that Paul Rudd truly gets cuter with every year that passes. He was gorge in "Clueless" but I love him even more now. I'm thinking he may be my biggest celebrity crush right now and the new ideal for the guy I would like to meet. I need a casting call or something "Searching for guys that look like Paul Rudd, get hotter with age, and have his same sense of humor" k, thanks.

Lastly, "Dirty Dancing" came on. That may have cheered me up more today than when I got my nails done in a fun cranberry sparkly color for Thanksgiving festivities. Patti asked me how many times I've watched it, the answer is too many to count, probably more than 100, although not always all the way through. As it is, I missed a good half hour eating dinner. But I didn't miss my favorite part, which I could watch over and over again. The finale. One day I will learn that dance. Perhaps with my Paul Rudd-alike boyfriend.

I'm about as comforted now as if I ate that whole box of Mac and Cheese (Kraft only, I need my blue box), but without all the calories, bloating, and food coma issues that accompany. I can safely say my MEGA MOVIE WEEKEND (you better still be using the booming voice) lifted my spirits a bit even though I'm still counting down til my next trip to MA.

want vs. need

I need money. I need romance. I need black leather boots. I need a new laptop.
I want more pajama pants. I want somebody to clean my room for me. I want to lose a few pounds.
I need to stop procrastinating. I need to sleep on a normal schedule. I need a friend in Randolph.
I want a Marc by Marc Jacobs bag in grape juice. I want the matching wallet. I want to get a manicure.
I need to smile more. I need to laugh more. I need my mom back. I want my mom back. I can't believe it's almost been a year. I want a new life.

There Was To Be Blood

I've been feeling incredibly fatigued for about two weeks now. Daily naps, fuzzy head, struggle to wake up day in day out... whatever, I'm just exhausted. So today I had to be tested. Apparently it's a bad idea to have soda for lunch an hour before getting your blood drawn. My blood was thick so it took a while for them to take all of it. They got about three or four vials. I came home and felt sooo weak. I basically sunk into my bed for about an hour and a half. At least I got to speak LHog on the phone for a nice long time. It was great hearing from her. She once again not so subtly hinted that I move to Boston. Tempting, but most most very likely not happening. As much as I miss my friends on a daily basis I need to be near my family. Oh well.

Anyways, my eye liner test must be postponed due to the heavy sleepy eyes I keep rubbing. Oops! Tomorrow I have school, so I will play with the makeup then. More details to come soon...

Waiting for my clarinex...

I'm taking a brief break from cleaning while my clarinex kicks in. Lots of dust = allergy hell. I accomplished the first part of my list, from 8:15 (well it was actually 8:30) to noon. I even was at the gym for an hour! It was the first time I've been to the Drew gym since my hs graduation party 5 1/2 years ago. It was a little creepy for me.

On my way home from the gym Austin called and said he was stranded at the train station, could I pick him up? Of course. So as I'm waiting for him my uncle pulls up alongside me. I guess Austin WASN'T stranded. My cousin is a doofus. It worked out nicely though, because we had lunch at Arthur's and I had a nice big bowl of onion soup.

I discovered that I'm only a few minutes from just about anywhere I need to go out here, and from Morris Plains found a very quick way to Rt. 10. I went to pick up my jeans being hemmed only to discover the waist I had asked them to take in was taken in TOO MUCH. It was uncomfortable asking them to let it out a little, but I could either pay, take the pants, and never wear them or have them fixed to fit me properly.

At home I decided I should try to clean my room. And that's what I've been doing for a while. I had a ton of files on the floor from my mom's filing cabinet. I found family pictures (pre-divorce), camp letters, report cards, things with my mom's handwriting, and it was hard for me. On the plus side I found a letter Ryne wrote to my mom from camp saying he missed me. I photocopied it and stuck it on his desk. Muahahahaha.

Well, the good news is that I can now see a certain corner of my room that has remained covered pretty much since a lot of my furniture arrived. I think I may go around next and collect receipts and other junk that's found it's way to the floor and throw it out. Babysteps. My goal is to have my room mostly cleaned by next week so our cleaning lady will actually step foot in there and vacuum (I don't care for vacuuming, and yes I know that sounds ridic spoiled and obnoxious, but she's already being paid to clean, let her hit up my room).

Okay back to work for a bit before I can let myself relax and watch some TV. I'm hoping my dad comes home early-ish so I can have a nice dinner, otherwise I may just cook myself some pasta and get Maggie Moo's for dessert. EARLY.

Or Maybe She Just Cries

More people feel depressed and alone during the holidays. The past few years I haven't particularly been bursting with the holiday spirit, but this year things have gotten bad. In my mind, Santa is dead. Tomorrow will be our first Christmas with my dad in over seven years. I'm sure he doesn't remember any of the traditions Ryne and I have become accustomed to, and I'm depressed as hell. I've never felt so lonely. It doesn't seem like that long ago since last Christmas when I stayed up really late talking to my mom and hanging out. I went to bed and barely woke up in time to see all the gifts Santa had left under the tree. It's just not the same and never will be.

I did get to act my age (or at least a couple years younger) tonight with some kids of friends of the family. I felt somewhat left out, but also finally like I was on the right path. Doing the wrong thing felt more right than the right thing has lately. Going to France and finding myself cannot come soon enough!! I need to get through school so I can start my quest (to find myself) as soon as possible! I'm going to start listening to French books on tape when I sleep so I absorb the language. Dr. B. would be so proud- and probably have something entirely inappropriate to add :) I kinda miss taking her French 5 class... sometimes.

I know this sounds bitter, but seeing people happy makes me sick. Not that I want their happiness to go away, I just don't feel like witnessing it. I'm bitter, and frustrated, and would probably do best to stay locked up for a bit. Or shipped off to a beach somewhere I can veg.

All I want for Christmas/belated Hanukkah-maybe Chrismukkah- isssss- I have no effing clue. But it's probably sold out.

I am not alone

I am TOO excited for the Sex and the City Movie!!!



I'm about to have a SatC style shopping spree (at some of Carrie's favorite haunts, no less) thanks to the abundance of unworn, still tagged clothing my mom left me. It would be more fun if she was actually there FOR the shopping spree. But then I guess if she was then there wouldn't be a chance for such a spree. Talk about Catch-22's. I think. I'm pretty sure that's the right concept. My brain's been a bit fried as of late. Either way, I'd much prefer to have my mom over some fantastic clothing. I miss her more at night and during quiet moments of contemplation. As an introvert you can imagine this is highly frequent and highly painful.

When people ask me how I'm doing, I honestly don't know how to answer. Sometimes I'm more miserable than I know what to do with, and other times I'm distracted enough to temporarily forget. Work is a great time for me. TV is a great time for me (F-YOU WRITERS STRIKE!!! Stupid producers need to fold already!) and movies are great too. Discussion of TV and movies is painful. I want to get on with life, but I don't know where to begin. If I go out and get drunk will I have an embarrassing meltdown? Am I too emotionally fragile to date?

At the same time I feel an inner strength- or maybe stubbornness that gets me through the day. Keeps me wanting to shop, trying to eat, forcing myself to sleep. Other times I think it's just denial. I will get through this.

Please listen to The Eagles' song "You Are Not Alone" by Glenn Frey. I'm pretty sure it was written just for me. I try to listen to it everyday. I have amazing friends, and I just hope they know that they're going to have to keep pushing their way into my life, because I really don't have the energy to keep up with them. Sorry. I'm trying.

Also, try to ignore the Glenn Frey photo montage, I don't know how to post music other than YouTube videos, so I recommend just listening to the song while browsing instead. But please listen.

I could use a hug...

So this is the last assigned blog entry. Not to say that I don't plan on continuing this blog (so you better keep reading!!!) but it's the last time that I have to write an entry. This will actually be my last finished class. Creepy. Unfortunately I have a handful of essays to write, a few art drawings to complete tomorrow, a Shakespeare final to prepare for, and an Oceanography final that I'm praying to get at least a B on, but that's not looking so positive right now.

It seems somewhat appropriate that the one thing I've been discussing throughout the semester is the coming of graduation. I still have another semester left, but to me this still feels like the end. My friends are moving on, I'm leaving the safe little bubble that is my sorority life, and in a way starting fresh in the fall. I'm terrified. Unfortunately this has spilled into my current life. I have a tendency of self-destruction when I'm dreading moving on. I've fallen behind in my work and have started having increased anxiety over... pretty much everything.

Last week I had somewhat of a Seinfeld-esque moment when I acted like George and did the opposite of what I would normally do. On the down side I was a bitch to one of my good friends. We're cool now, but I still feel pretty bad about it. On the up side I got a kick playing against my usual type, and embracing some inner-self confidence I didn't really know I had. It was definitely a self-esteem boost. Like George, acting as my opposite self seemed to be more positive than negative, I just need to be more careful how I use it, so that people don't get hurt in the future. Who knows, maybe a whole new Maggie is in store for next semester. Or at least a slightly more matured post-Europe Maggie. You never know.

This weekend I went home to celebrate Mother's Day. On the one hand I didn't want to go back to school. I wanted to stay with my family, continue to hang out with my parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. On the other hand all I could think about was that I was missing the last weekend of spring semester with my friends, and how much I already missed them. Being away for a weekend can feel like forever sometimes. I will definitely have tremendous separation anxiety two weeks from now (not to mention next semester). Tonight we had a ceremony that made us officially alumni(nae?) of our sorority. I had been looking forward to it for a few years, but instead it felt like somebody punched me in the gut. Or perhaps my bubble bursting. Either way, it was extremely depressing. I will probably be a bawling wreck on graduation. Note to self: do not wear mascara.

I hope everybody who has been reading this enjoyed the blog so far. I will be keeping up with it as much as possible. I hope you continue to read as I go home and work work work in preparation for France, and espcially when I start blogging FROM France. I hope to have many exciting stories and pictures to share.

And yes, if you see me, I could use a hug.