Hmmm...

I lost my job. Last week. At first all I wanted to do was cry and yet a few minutes later this intense relief swept over me. That's how I've been feeling the past few days. I wake up early when I want to and I go to the gym rather than the mall. I have had no need for coffee. I can go out on the weekends and socialize now. There's a part of me that's still bummed about the job, but overall the only thing that I can really see is the enormous opportunity in front of me. I know I've been blathering on for nearly a year about running away to France and finding myself. Well, I don't think I have the money or presence of mind to run away to France, but maybe I can find the parts of me that felt so alive in France and try to let those parts live and run free here. We'll see. I've been feeling that creative push the last few days and it's time for me to channel my energy before the muse leaves me.

Here are some things I'd like to do vs. some things I need to do. A few of them match up, therefore maybe they should be my first priorities(?).

Need to do:

• Finish school
• Clean my room
• Make appointments with every single doctor before my health insurance runs out
• Find out how long health insurance lasts for
• Find new job (hopefully part time so I can enjoy my summer)
• Unpack house

Like to do:

• Clean my room
• Finish school
• Paint
• Pick up craft
• Become better acquainted with fashion by reading WWD and Nylon as much as humanly possible
• Have a relaxed summer
  

Or Maybe She Just Cries

More people feel depressed and alone during the holidays. The past few years I haven't particularly been bursting with the holiday spirit, but this year things have gotten bad. In my mind, Santa is dead. Tomorrow will be our first Christmas with my dad in over seven years. I'm sure he doesn't remember any of the traditions Ryne and I have become accustomed to, and I'm depressed as hell. I've never felt so lonely. It doesn't seem like that long ago since last Christmas when I stayed up really late talking to my mom and hanging out. I went to bed and barely woke up in time to see all the gifts Santa had left under the tree. It's just not the same and never will be.

I did get to act my age (or at least a couple years younger) tonight with some kids of friends of the family. I felt somewhat left out, but also finally like I was on the right path. Doing the wrong thing felt more right than the right thing has lately. Going to France and finding myself cannot come soon enough!! I need to get through school so I can start my quest (to find myself) as soon as possible! I'm going to start listening to French books on tape when I sleep so I absorb the language. Dr. B. would be so proud- and probably have something entirely inappropriate to add :) I kinda miss taking her French 5 class... sometimes.

I know this sounds bitter, but seeing people happy makes me sick. Not that I want their happiness to go away, I just don't feel like witnessing it. I'm bitter, and frustrated, and would probably do best to stay locked up for a bit. Or shipped off to a beach somewhere I can veg.

All I want for Christmas/belated Hanukkah-maybe Chrismukkah- isssss- I have no effing clue. But it's probably sold out.

Comical

I should be working on my Monet paper, or even packing. Instead I'm posting this, because it reminds me very much of my dear kitties- who are currently not available at the moment to distract me from my paper writing like they usually do. Last night Sammy practically sat on my keyboard (so that explains all the cat hair I found under the keys during the last clean-up), and when I read books Gracie is usually there to sit on it before I get a paragraph in. Alas, Gracie is in Millburn, I'm still in Randolph. And Ryne is sound asleep. I guess maybe I should attempt to write this paper since, you know, my grade for the summer depends on it...

Busy Busy

Like most of the important things in my life right now, I've been neglecting the blog. I'm leaving for France on Sunday, although technically my journey begins Saturday, because that's when I'm going up to Boston. Right now the terror is overruling the excitement. I am extremely excited, but at the moment there are several pressing issues I have on my mind...

• The 3000 page, oops, word Monet paper that I've gotten NOTHING done on, it seems that even out of school I have concentration issues, and my body aches for the adrenaline rush that comes with waiting til the last minute
• Finding my missing camera. I cannot leave without it, and it's not where I thought I left it. I haven't searched the trunk of my car yet, so maybe in a half hour or so I'll have something different to report back on
• Packing- I've got basic things ready, but the fact of the matter is that at my father's house there sits about five loads of laundry and one or two unpacked bags that most definitely contain my missing tank tops
• Mani/Pedi, not too big of a deal, but I'd like to clean up my feet a little before wearing flip flops for five weeks and attempting not to scare people away
• Money- as of Friday I will have a paycheck from Oilily that should put me just over the $500 mark I need in spending money, although now people are telling me that I need MORE money to bring, so...umm...
• Train ticket to Boston, I'll probably have that taken care of by the time I get to my dad's house this evening
• Thank you notes for graduation- I want to complete those before I leave
• Writing an annonomous angry letter to the next door neighbors so that their kids might stop terrorizing the rest of my neighborhood while I'm gone. Without my sunshiney appearance brightening up my other neighbor's lives, how will they get through this terrible period with those obnoxious children screaming and running around on our properties?

This sounds like quite the long list, but my goal for today is to get my paper written and hopefully spend some quality time with my mom as well. Wish me luck!

Remember when "a total Baldwin" meant cute?

I've had a crush on Paul Rudd since Clueless, so that was a definite positive to seeing Knocked Up tonight. And getting out of the house. My mom's angry with me for leaving the sunroof open last night on her car. Oops! At least it didn't rain (trust me, did that once with my car, it was not a good idea)!

The movie was great. I'm pretty sure I've already mentioned recently that I've been following Judd Apatow since discovering the late, great "Undeclared" (quite possibly the best and most realistic college show...ever). He didn't fail to disappoint tonight. The cast was stellar, and the writing pretty hilarious. There was one gory moment I could have gone without, and I was relieved that my brother and I were unable to sit next to each other, major awkwardness avoided.

Another interesting moment came at the end of the movie. Joanna Kerns, who most of my generation probably knows best for being Maggie Seaver on "Growing Pains" had a brief role as the lead character's mother in the film. At the end of the movie they showed a cast and crew "baby book" with their own baby pictures and pictures of them with their children. I haven't seen "Growing Pains" for a VERY long time, and yet I immediately recognized the picture of Joanna Kerns with her child from the opening credits of "Growing Pains". I wonder how many other 80's/90's kids recognized that same picture?

I've got work at 9:30am, this will be day #6 (out of 12 I believe) without a break, since I decided to work at school fairs on my two days off. It's not really that big of a deal. It's not nearly as crazy as when I was working at Oilily AND Kent Place last summer. I believe I went a month or more without more than one or two days off. That was not fun. This is momentary business, which will very soon die down when I take my week off to prepare for France. And then France itself! I need to go to the library and start writing my book report on Monet. Last night I couldn't sleep, so at 4am I read Linnea in Monet's Garden to reacquaint myself with Monet in the most simplest terms. It really is an adorable book. I might have to break out the sequel tonight if I can't sleep. Who am I kidding? I'm exhausted.

Bon soir mes amies.