can't for the life of me fall asleep, and it's way way wayyyy to late to take a sleeping pill or I'll sleep through both my classes tomorrow. I hate school.
How's work going for everyone? I'm loving Lacoste. It's totally hectic, but I'm loving the responsibility and constant busyness. Sadly I have no time for a social life, and when I do I end up passing out on the couch from sheer exhaustion. I did however get to pretend I was cool for a week and race around in my dad's sportscar. I didn't manage to pick up any cute guys like I had fantasized, but I did get a lot of aggression on the road from middle aged men constantly cutting me off, and at one point racing me. Oy.
I've decided that if things take a turn for the worse personally and pick up professionally I'll be applying for a job in a French Lacoste and taking some me time to live somewhere lovely and maybe even travel Europe. Perhaps I'll sell the Magmobile to finance it. I dunno, these are mostly the ramblings of a stressed out person at 4am. I desperately just want to talk to somebody, but nobody is awake right now. I hate that. I miss school when there's always somebody awake at random hours.
I think I've isolated myself. I've made little effort to call people, and I haven't even been seeing most of my family. I know that I'm not alone, I just have to force myself not to become alone. I don't even know what I'm saying. Harry is curled up at my legs, but when I was upset and went to pet him he woke up and bit me. That only made me more upset. I told him he was really selfish sometimes and using me for my warm bed, not to comfort me. Yes, I told the cat he was selfish. I think I really am losing my mind.
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5 comments:
Mags,
I saw your post on Mr M's blog, but wanted to send you a semi-private post to you, just to let you know that you're not on your own.
I lost my nan, my aunt and more recently my Dad to cancer. So I understand everything you're going through, the laughs, and the tears and the special closeness that you build up when someone you love is sick. I just want you to know that I know how rough the chemo is, and all you can do at the moment is to take one day at a home. Laugh when you want, cry when you want and talk to each other when you need to. I know you were talking about watching Stargate, and sometimes that's what you need, a bit of escapism when things get rough. For an hour a week you can recharge your batteries and escape from the constant reality of docs, nurses, hospitals, chemo, medication. it's like a treadmill that you can't get off of. Just remember that as much as you need to be there for your mom, you also need to take care of yourself even if it just is for one hour a week. You're not alone in this, and there's always someone you can talk to. If you ever want to talk or just need a virtual shoulder to cry on, you can email me anytime.
The best advice I can offer you, is for you to tell your mom how much you love her, share in the good memories and hold on to them.
*hugs*
Louise
Here's my email addy if you ever need to talk.
DustyMiller61@aol.com
Dear Mag:
I am very sorry to hear about your mom, really,really sorry, I'm having a hard time myself at the moment with my dad who is not doing so good.
You have been in my thought an prayers everyday since you posted about your mom in J.M blog, having a parent with cancer and having to let go is heartbreaking, but I am always amaze at our ability to move on, and at the end I think thats what our parents expect of us, remember your mom with happy thought, laugh about her little saying and comments hold on to those good memories,
You are still in my thoughts, try to find some happiness again, no mother wants their child to suffer, I'm sure your mom will want you to be happy once again, go out with friends and smile once again.
I know this time of the year is harder when you loose someone, try to find someone to be with, your family needs you and wants to help you, don't isolate.
Take care ok?
And if you need to chat with someone here is my email.
ditraveler@gmail.com
Mags,
I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I know how hard it is for you at the moment. All the advice I can give you is don't isolate yourself. You need your family now more than ever, and while you probably won't feel like being with anyone. It doesn't mean that you have to engage them with conversation, them being with you as you go through this will help. Over the next few weeks you'll have good days and bad days, but talk to your family, let them know what you're feeling and try not to bottle things up if you can help it. There'll be times when you'll want and need quiet times, but try not to isolate yourself (even though that's easier said than done). It does get easier, I promise you. My dad was in a hospice in his last few weeks, and after he died, we celebrated what a wonderful, and kindhearted gentle man he was. I hope you find some sort of solace in having good memories of your mom. Hold onto them and treasure them. I was sent this poem from my friend a few days after my dad's funeral. I don't know whether it will help you or not. But know that there are people who care and who've gone through it and that you're not alone.
‘Death is nothing at all... I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I and you are you. Whatever we were to each other that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference in your tone; wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effort, without the ghost of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is an unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you for an interval, somewhere just around the corner. All is well.’
Take care of yourself Mags.
*hugs*
Louise
I love you*
PS: I am airbrushedsmile
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