Or Maybe She Just Cries

More people feel depressed and alone during the holidays. The past few years I haven't particularly been bursting with the holiday spirit, but this year things have gotten bad. In my mind, Santa is dead. Tomorrow will be our first Christmas with my dad in over seven years. I'm sure he doesn't remember any of the traditions Ryne and I have become accustomed to, and I'm depressed as hell. I've never felt so lonely. It doesn't seem like that long ago since last Christmas when I stayed up really late talking to my mom and hanging out. I went to bed and barely woke up in time to see all the gifts Santa had left under the tree. It's just not the same and never will be.

I did get to act my age (or at least a couple years younger) tonight with some kids of friends of the family. I felt somewhat left out, but also finally like I was on the right path. Doing the wrong thing felt more right than the right thing has lately. Going to France and finding myself cannot come soon enough!! I need to get through school so I can start my quest (to find myself) as soon as possible! I'm going to start listening to French books on tape when I sleep so I absorb the language. Dr. B. would be so proud- and probably have something entirely inappropriate to add :) I kinda miss taking her French 5 class... sometimes.

I know this sounds bitter, but seeing people happy makes me sick. Not that I want their happiness to go away, I just don't feel like witnessing it. I'm bitter, and frustrated, and would probably do best to stay locked up for a bit. Or shipped off to a beach somewhere I can veg.

All I want for Christmas/belated Hanukkah-maybe Chrismukkah- isssss- I have no effing clue. But it's probably sold out.

I am not alone

I am TOO excited for the Sex and the City Movie!!!



I'm about to have a SatC style shopping spree (at some of Carrie's favorite haunts, no less) thanks to the abundance of unworn, still tagged clothing my mom left me. It would be more fun if she was actually there FOR the shopping spree. But then I guess if she was then there wouldn't be a chance for such a spree. Talk about Catch-22's. I think. I'm pretty sure that's the right concept. My brain's been a bit fried as of late. Either way, I'd much prefer to have my mom over some fantastic clothing. I miss her more at night and during quiet moments of contemplation. As an introvert you can imagine this is highly frequent and highly painful.

When people ask me how I'm doing, I honestly don't know how to answer. Sometimes I'm more miserable than I know what to do with, and other times I'm distracted enough to temporarily forget. Work is a great time for me. TV is a great time for me (F-YOU WRITERS STRIKE!!! Stupid producers need to fold already!) and movies are great too. Discussion of TV and movies is painful. I want to get on with life, but I don't know where to begin. If I go out and get drunk will I have an embarrassing meltdown? Am I too emotionally fragile to date?

At the same time I feel an inner strength- or maybe stubbornness that gets me through the day. Keeps me wanting to shop, trying to eat, forcing myself to sleep. Other times I think it's just denial. I will get through this.

Please listen to The Eagles' song "You Are Not Alone" by Glenn Frey. I'm pretty sure it was written just for me. I try to listen to it everyday. I have amazing friends, and I just hope they know that they're going to have to keep pushing their way into my life, because I really don't have the energy to keep up with them. Sorry. I'm trying.

Also, try to ignore the Glenn Frey photo montage, I don't know how to post music other than YouTube videos, so I recommend just listening to the song while browsing instead. But please listen.

Late Night Ramblings

can't for the life of me fall asleep, and it's way way wayyyy to late to take a sleeping pill or I'll sleep through both my classes tomorrow. I hate school.

How's work going for everyone? I'm loving Lacoste. It's totally hectic, but I'm loving the responsibility and constant busyness. Sadly I have no time for a social life, and when I do I end up passing out on the couch from sheer exhaustion. I did however get to pretend I was cool for a week and race around in my dad's sportscar. I didn't manage to pick up any cute guys like I had fantasized, but I did get a lot of aggression on the road from middle aged men constantly cutting me off, and at one point racing me. Oy.

I've decided that if things take a turn for the worse personally and pick up professionally I'll be applying for a job in a French Lacoste and taking some me time to live somewhere lovely and maybe even travel Europe. Perhaps I'll sell the Magmobile to finance it. I dunno, these are mostly the ramblings of a stressed out person at 4am. I desperately just want to talk to somebody, but nobody is awake right now. I hate that. I miss school when there's always somebody awake at random hours.

I think I've isolated myself. I've made little effort to call people, and I haven't even been seeing most of my family. I know that I'm not alone, I just have to force myself not to become alone. I don't even know what I'm saying. Harry is curled up at my legs, but when I was upset and went to pet him he woke up and bit me. That only made me more upset. I told him he was really selfish sometimes and using me for my warm bed, not to comfort me. Yes, I told the cat he was selfish. I think I really am losing my mind.

I Need Your Help

If there really is anybody out there reading this I need your help. I don't even need to know you're doing it, I just need you to do it. I need all the positive energy (or prayer if that works for you- I'm a firm believer in both) you can muster for the next month for my mom to get better. I really do think it will work, and I need you to think so too. Thank you.

Random Thoughts

• I think I'm addicted to online scrabble. Yep, I'm a loser.
• Community college professors are not up to par with University profs. Who'da thunkit?
• Does airborne actually work or is it mind over matter and I'm curing my own colds? If so, I wonder if it would work for $2 cheaper if I switched to the CVS brand of mind over matter?
• Do cats realize they're being obnoxious when they stick their butts in your face?
• I am thisclose to buying satellite radio, but my fear is that when I finally splurge they too will play the same ten obnoxious songs ever hour.
• I have too many crushes to keep track of. At the moment I've been thinking about:
• James Roday (of Psych, which I'm watching right now)
• Another James, James Marsden
• Brad Pitt (always and forever)
• David Wright, the cutest Met that I think needs to marry me
• Zach Braff
• Josh Duhamel (when I'm able to get over the fact that he's with Fergie... ICK!)
• the two dudes I was sandwiched between (of course on the day I'm in sweats and no makeup) in class today
  

• Yeah, Psych isn't the most intellectually stimulating show on TV right now, but it really amuses me, and I think it should be more popular
• I got to drive the Porsche tonight. It was thrilling.

That's all I have to say.

Happy New Year!

I am incredibly lucky to be able to celebrate TWO New Years. For some reason I find January First somewhat of a let down year after year, but Rosh Hashanah- the Jewish New Year- is always filled with hope and promise for a better tomorrow. Maybe it's because one holiday is associated with family and the other with too many drunks (although in some cases it may be hard to distinguish the two).

Anyways, I had my apples and honey last night (so that I'll have a sweet New Year) and I have another day of family celebrations ahead of me. I plan on being as good as I possibly can this week so that when the Book of Life closes I will have a great year ahead of me. With the new job at Lacoste it's already shaping up to be a good year!

This may seem like a non-sequitor, but I've been thinking about the past a lot lately. It seems like just yesterday I was celebrating the New Year out on Long Island with the whole clan, going to my grandparent's temple, and playing with all the other little kids while the adults were upstairs standing and sitting for a few hours. I came across a whole batch of these on YouTube today, and I thought I'd share one of my favorites.



This is from a 1988 PBS pledge drive, which explains the many celebrities of the time making cameos. The celebrities, in order of appearance: John Candy (as Yosh Schmenge from SCTV), Andrea Martin (as Edith Prickley from SCTV), New York Mets Keith Hernandez & Mookie Wilson, Jane Curtin (of SNL and Kate & Allie), Madeline Kahn, Joe Williams, Paul Reubens (as Pee Wee Herman), Ladysmith Black Mambazo, Wynton Marsalis, Celia Cruz, Ihtzak Perlman, Gordon Jackson & Jean Marsh (as Angus Hudson and Rose Buck of Upstairs Downstairs), Paul Simon, Jeremy Irons, Pete Seeger, Rhea Perlman and Danny Devito, and NY Giants Sean Landeta, Mark Ingram, Karl Nelson and Carl Banks.

Life or Something Like It

This is just atrocious. I had planned on posting all summer long, but my limited internet connection in France just didn't make that possible. I didn't want to post anything until I wrote about France, but I'm just not ready to do that. I'm hoping that this post gets my feet wet, and that I'll dive back into regular blog posts again. I do still plan on posting my "letters from France" sometime soon. I'm just not ready. I don't think I'm mentally prepared for that closure yet.

Life is changing very quickly right now, and as somebody who feels like they are on quite shaky ground with change, everything feels mighty confusing at the moment.

The Good: I came to the conclusion that I wasn't going anywhere with my job at Oilily, not to mention the fact that I lost my passion and motivation. I applied for a number of jobs, and went through a rigorous application/interview process with Lacoste. I have just given my two weeks notice (hehe fun movie) at Oilily and will shortly be starting my new job as sales supervisor!

The Bad: I've started my classes at County College Morris. I'm overwhelmed and angry. I need to get over this anger at not being back at UMass. I would've felt out of place and lonely without my core group of friends around. It's time to move on, but I still feel like everything was extremely sudden for me. My classes feel extremely redundant, but maybe that means I'll do well. At least there was a cute guy in one of them!

I have absolutely no social life. Maybe this new job will help me meet more people my age. I'm hoping that in a few weeks I'll have a better social life to report on. We shall see.

Okay I need to get to bed, I have physical therapy for my wrist at 9:15 am, so I'm already a few hours behind on my sleep. I'm going straight to Randolph from there, so I will have about two and a half hours of naptime available before class, hopefully on the deck in the sun (weather permitting).

Goodnight moon and any readers floating around out there. Hopefully each day will get better and better.

update: the word of the day for (today) Sept. 11 was plangent- "beating with a loud or deep sound; also, expressing sadness." That seems fitting in many ways, but what caught my eye was that it also seemed to fit the theme of this blog, or at least the feelings the writer believed were being posted.